Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this. But science fiction and fantasy can deal with the mature themes with a nuanced perspective- some of the stories in Star Trek were written to to deal with historical events like WWII. We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. Our 17-year-old son is still at home but can't wait to leave to get away from the constant friction and ill-feeling around the house. Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. To me, those things just come along with being part of a family. Or raising a child who should have a bigger perspective about the world and what is going on. My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. He should show her that he can make an effort to enjoy her interests and encourage her in the same spirit to enjoy his. Roll your eyes!?! This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. I still find it hysterical that they incorporated a rivalry between Tim and Bob Vila in that show. Shes all the better for it. Which sort of circles back to point that even if this dad doesnt connect with his daughters interests, he really should make an effort. But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? That sounds awful, Im, so sorry. We were so thrilled. All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. Im from PA, and I watched entirely too much This Old House as a child. I mean ever. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! What is this site, a Masters program? I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. She along with his son & ex wife all live 3000 miles away. Now she's asked me to talk to him for her and, the truth is, I'm fed up with her moping and simply don't want to. Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. And make it a good one. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. Settlers of Catan! She may come to appreciate some of her dads interests in time, but I hardly think forcing them down her throat is a good way to do that. Mommy and daddy love each other. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. Anyway, a person shouldnt be forced to read something they find boring, but I think that its reasonable for the dad to try to encourage that so that she grows up knowing theres stuff outside of her pop culture interests. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. Um, not so much. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. My junior daughter does & my husband complains all the time that she has no need for a cellphone except when she is driving. That being said, its important to have fun hobbies, and I agree with their is a balance. And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? And not just to me and your husband. Your husband and your daughter are both geeks at heart, which is encouraging. I get that hes probably feeling left out, but thats not cool. This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. LW, I think encouraging your daughter to spend time with her dad is so important. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. I had his favorite dinner prepared and all possible distractions blocked. A few years from now this guys daughter interests may have changed, but she wont be bothering to talk to him about it or anything at all, most likely. But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. This sounds a lot like my childhood! Ask Fiona: My husband is driving our kids away, my friend has an It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. bittergaymark Self-centered passive-aggressive husband driving me crazy I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. The advice to the LW is good, but she cannot change her husbands behavior. And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. One centering dynamic is to be each other's 'coaches,' and to offer each other feedback and support in managing the kid with the behavior problem." Dealing with your distress, your kid's distress,. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. My parents werent interested in that stuff. Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. He went to jail for beating up his new wife and hurting her little boy. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. bittergaymark Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. Sometimes that means taking a step back and letting things calm down before you try to mediate. 2 weeks later his wife tried killing him, leaving him in the hospital for 3 months. Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. Highlight their special talents and abilities. Exactly Lily! Absolutely Dad! We were really physically active and loved camping and sports, unlike the LWs daughter, but those books made us voracious readers, which in turn made us verbally proficient, intellectually curious, and capable of exploiting our imaginations in sophisticated ways. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? I can well grasp your husbands ongoing eye-rolling and snappish annoyance. July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. My daughter is driving my husband away | Talk About Marriage Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. If she likes Star Trek and Firefly and he likes science they might both like going to a science museum. By contrast, my dad wanted me to play softball and had no interest in the books I used to read. Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. Her free spirit and spontaneity. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. sign, Get the day's headlines delivered directly to your inbox, You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush. My dad tried to practice volleyball with me even though I was awful, but I wouldnt call that trying to force me to like it. (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. 6napkinburger findingtheearth doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. I made him put on 2 more episodes before we stopped because we HAD to go to sleep. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. My mistake then we read the play and watched the movie, and they went NUTS for the story. Think of it this way: the car insurance typically follows the car, not the driver. How to Cope When Your Spouse Is Driving You Crazy This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. My dad really, really loves talking about the 60s, and some aspects of it, like the space race, I care about but dont really find compelling enough to discuss, but other parts, like the JFK assassination, Im fascinated by, so we talk about that a lot, along with the Civil Rights movement and what it was like to watch (he was there! But you can help your daughter learn to cope with her feelings and manage her relationship with her father. I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. She wasnt responding to the father though. But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. When I surprised her with it, she told me that we dont have any friends and why would I think that shed want to waste a whole weekend in some hotel when we could be painting the bedroom and actually accomplishing something. Sad. I take little credit for how lucky I am. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. 1. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. Try to get him to understand that all he has done so far is push away those people that he probably cares about the most his wife and children. July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. Oh, how fun for all three of you to just sit around endlessly for hours while the dvd player spins Buffy endlessly And then, next, comes Angel! Realize that your child does not have to like your rules, they simply need to find a way to abide by them. No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. My husband is a HUGE Firefly fanboy. Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. The LWs husband sounds like my father. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. I would challenge anyone who would suggest that the genre is a waste of time. But it isnt you guys against him. Ostensibly through her mother. Here are 5 common ways I unintentionally pushed my husband away. PS I also dont get why going camping and hiking versus Buffy-ing are mutually exclusive. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. lets_be_honest Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. For one mother, this nightmare is a reality, as her husbands behavior is pushing her daughter away. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. The wife should be supportive of his efforts, but he needs to act like a grown man and stop being so selfish. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. Really not sure why I waited so long. For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. It takes a bit of work to plan activities when she comes visit me in Chicago (my parents are happily married, but visit me separately) but we bound over food and shopping for kitchen stuff! Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. . Unless its, you know, the lastest Madonna tour or album . Im just saying that indicates very little to me. No one ever said that being a parent would be easy, and when your husband and daughter dont get along, it can be especially difficult. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? Additionally, she may worry that if she stays in an unhappy marriage like yours, it will damage her relationship with her future spouse. On a side note, two weekends ago I went on a family camping trip. She cant meet him halfway if he is putting her down. Seriously? I really think there might be a way for dad and daughter to meet in the middle here. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. honeybeenicki I got the same vibe you did. 11 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Damage Their Children - Divorced Moms He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. I think I read this differently than Wendy. Make it easier for him to be his best self. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Youre mad at your dad, not at me! If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. July 2, 2013, 11:06 am. Your email address will not be published. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. But in college I fell in love with art history and now I actually take days off work to go visit art museums! Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. You can look at him as a mean bully, like you do, or an involved father who is trying to raise a well rounded child. July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. Wow, Im glad Im not the only one whose beliefs on the cosmos/humanity have been influenced by Star Trek. Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. But it was annoying. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. No. When I was 12 I thought New Kids on the Block was a real legitimately talented band. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. Same with the radio in the car I like country or musicals, he cant stand it, theres no way Id put that on. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. My best friend is in that episode! Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter together. If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. Why are we judging other peoples interests? LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. We are extremely close and love doing the same things. It sounds like she and her daughter just happen to share the same interests. Do you think he liked listening to my fangirlish squees? I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. I understand how you might be torn how easy it might be to embrace every second you have with her when you know all too soon, shell outgrow her fangirl stage, or at the very least, embrace additional teen-related obsessions, thereby reducing the time she cares to spend with you, and then soon after shell be leaving you and heading off for adventures of her own, away from you and her dad. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. Seriously. Hey, that kind of worked for me. I am a nurse who works night shifts, and I have a working son, 21, and student daughter 20. my husband and their father died 3 years ago, and I have been working steadily. Absolutely. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. I agree weddings can be stupid . July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! But hes an adult and should show an equal interest in what his daughter likes instead of disparaging her interests and rolling his eyes at her. I completely agree with you on Buffy. So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. My parents eventually got divorced, and I actually think without that, I might not have such a good relationship with my father (who I am much more like as an adult than my mother) or the family on his side, because of how my mom made it us against him when I was little.