difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

When I talk to people who struggle with walking away and staying away and who keep getting their fingers burned, there can often be this fear of appearing to hold a grudge. No mother its you. We got back together after the second break up and now he doesnt want a committed relationship and we broke up again-this time I with him as his behavior was so HURTFUL. Ooh a theological debate. Its not fair to use another as a buffer to get over the ex as you will become a user and an AC. Funny this applies to a decision I made in relation to a recent school reunion I was invited to. I intend to have an amicable relationship with him, for their sake, but in my heart I do not forgive him for how he treated me. They also gave me pause for thought. She finally married her fourth husband and moved away and didnt contact us as often as she had. Sign up for notifications from Insider! I thought I had had the complete menopause a year ago, but two days after he left, it seemed that my body went back to normal. There's a difference between "forgiving" and moving on. Like a moth to a flame, I know exactly what its like to feel drawn to this type and if you can, find the strengthfly away fly away! I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. I'm especially proud of you for considering your daughter's feelings. Well, ladies, thats male interest candidate #2 in cow-town. You will always remember. Allison, Thank you, yes I feel I am. If youre unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then youre probably harboring a grudge. The frenetic-ness of it seems almost like anxiety. As you know, being a Christian is hard, Revolution! And when the topic of our relationship came up I was always telling my side of the story HOPING he would give me an apology, a crumb, anything to make me feel like it REALLY WASNT ME. I guess this is why I ruminate so long about what to do because once I reach the final decision its iretrieveable. It breaks my heart a bit. I respect your privacy and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. she should just walk away whenever he approaches. You're mean to not want to go there. Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. Ill just have to get past this, but yes it hurts. It's a wound that's barely healed. American Psychological Association. Friends, work colleagues whom he had no reason to get involved with only to act the victim. You think. Im praying for the strength to take my leave, but at the same time be kind. I hear you. FLUSH. You may opt-out of email communications at any time by clicking on Don't get me wrong, Penn gets upset. Guys dont like being replaced either, even if it was his choice and a while ago. Until you may not have a choice but to stop. Once your account is created, you'll be logged-in to this account. Not one time have I read any meanness or self-righteousness in any of your posts. But you (I), know damn well, to your very core You cant trust it. You cant kill the memory, but youve ended the BS once and for all. Its bound to be awkward when you break up because avoidance is more difficult. It's so ingrained, it feels like the right thing to do. But to forgive in a way that would be about reintroducing more contact btw them and me into my life would mean forgetting why I had to push back in the first place. He contacted me online in May, we got to talk on skype quite a lot and made phone calls. Whenever you have a thought, track it. There are some tips Ive learned which may or may not work for you but I hope theyll lead to a better understanding of how we can refocus our thoughts. I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong.. if I did I would seriously push tht waste of space over the nearest cliff!! Validation? Im polite he feels validated and off he goes. Difference between Holding a Grudge and Not Forgetting | MJ Watson Keep in mind, this is referring to moving on without someone, not with someone. They say, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. If you find yourself stuck: If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. So you do. Tinkerbellif I had been in your situation where I gave my heart, Id have to go NC. You can do so much better. And then I realized, all BR readers should be telling themselves that. But, its OK. After 14 months NC, including resisting polite invitations and helpful referrals (all phrased as though everything was honky dory between us), I broke NC via text randomly last month due to a clusterfuck practical circumstance. It will be different. (I was afraid they would turn against me). Done! Why? Natalie, this post is food for thought. "If you find yourself avoiding someone you have previously been close to, reflect on what happened the last time you were together, or even further into the past," Habash said. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. Yes, I ignored huge red flags and was probably a little EU on my end but it sill doesnt excuse what went down. We can gradually learn to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment, and hold on to the positive insights we have the opportunity to gain each time. What if? Let him live with that. Needless to say, my brother, sister and I had far from an ideal childhood. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. It takes time and effort and SPACE (emotional space) to look at our relationship patterns so as to eventually be able and willing to have an honest conversation with ourselves. I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. , look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife. i feel so upset, becasue i am lonely and frustrated without intimacy in my life, and its hard to move forward. The message she left was so hurtful. I have no plans 2 ever be in contact w/him and I know I have 2 let it go. Oh, eww, this guy sounds awful. That ability would really come in handy for me right now, but I cant do that. Did I learn lessons along the way? . Forgiving is not always easy - especially if you have experienced . Do yourself a huge favor: dont try to make him more than he is. No, no theological debate going on, just seeking understanding of what the other person means. I already walked away more than two months ago. Im in similar boat to you here, will explain in a mo, but from what you write, this guy is disrespecting YOU not just all these apparent booty-women. Or immature? I comprehend her disorders, but I also know that she is very intelligent. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you. Sorta-slow-fade. but a lot of whether or not you feel forgiving comes down to whats happened that day, what youve eaten, your hormones and all manner of things that you cant do a lot about. I love what you said about real friends would support you, see your reason for NC and not have him showing up ay parties you will be coming to. The Lords prayer is helpful in learning how to do that because of the line forgive us our debts AS we forgive our debtorsSee? He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. MotherofDoodles 5 hr. you deserve the best! :p Do you mean the difference between letting go of sin but not the sinner (as we would a friend who sincerely apologizes) and letting go of both the sin and the sinner (as we would an abuser who shows no remorse)? https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.aspx. So that I may gain some insight which could help me in the future. I had to go into therapy just for thateven relatively short term impact can be hell! Wheres the line between self-preservation and good parenting? Define your terms? There is no sense. NC is your most powerful action. And I didnt. He tried like hell to convince me to be present to now. She left another message very late at night asking me if I got it and if I liked it. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.org," "Mayo Clinic Healthy Living," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! I would take such advice with a grain of salt. Ive seen him twice, at events, each time with his wife. He and I both are, I wanna say, more devout than not. I hope you feel better soon. Make a list of 10 things that you enjoy and make you feel good and do them. The 68th time, I learnt this is just going to keep happening. Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. Mind, I have no idea how that applies to my situation now, so its probably best not read in the light of that. When the anger, blame, shame and resentment dictates and we cant shake it off because were caught between a rock and a hard place that on one hand says, For fecks sake! Ive taken this year to get happy on my own, and for the most part i am, except Im having major lack of confidence in moving forward and dating again. And go No Contact for as long as you possibly can. Get Your Copy Now! By embracing forgiveness, you also can embrace peace and hope. I still get upset, but less frequently. so sad. If anything ever went wrong in our relationship, I would do ANYTHING to make it better. Getting Real About Recognising Inappropriate Relationship Behaviour: He Doesn't Need To Cheat (or Be 2005-2023 BAGGAGE RECLAIM. If I dont keep reading the blogs and referring back to the No Contact Rule book that I downloaded, I can easily go back to my amnesia, not only about this relationship but also the ones in my past!! And not in a self-righteous, look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife way, but in a genuine, humble way. I dont want to debate, only to understand what you mean. Pray for you, wish tbe best for YOU. But when someone does harm to you (emotionally, mentally), and you finally overcome that, and they try to convince you things will be positive if you want it to be. I forgive my ex who was abusive. A grudge often leads to burnout because it is the result of internalizing strong emotions and failing to decide what to do. The thing is, And what Ive learned I dont want any part of a negative past back in my life. Knowing what sorts of things might mean that youre holding a grudge, even if you dont think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. But, are you really compatible? And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. He didnt even know them before. I also have a revenge fantasy of accepting his invitation and allowing him to seduce me one last time so I can leave him naked and stranded while I deliver his clothes and personal effects to his wife so shell know who he really is and mess up his cheater lifestyle. I also still feel a lot of responsibility for him, which was the other thing that kept me tied. Hard pass! Recovery is exhausting. Hard to be alone. Im painting and doing some things that had gone by the wayside, getting my life back on track. endstream endobj 157 0 obj <. Keep strong, dont rethink anything. The first two differences is the use of satire. Thats a good sign for me. Then I would take whatever my answer was and apply it to my situation. Lol. Trust your gut on this one, and bail, then RUN! In hindsight, I was trying to show the ex that I was a bigger, better person ( since he always mentioned thats how he was and only remembers the good in his relationships (how conveninent for him)). Ready you should be celebrating! It beggars belief! On some level what he did made you cringe, yet you are second guessing yourself. This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information: verify here. i know I am a jackass. She is also a gold and silver ADDY award winner. It gives me hope that when I leave this house physically I will have the same sense of relief. . Now I get what you mean and you are right that we agree! I was in the waiting room of my specialist when tht little gem arrived by text, & cut him cold. 4. Your words give me validation that I will get past this, I am headed in the right direction & yes Tink, I ended the BS, forever. He blew hot and cold, he made promises, he cancelled dates all the red flags that Natalie has alerted us to. He had nothing but kind thingsthings to say about me, my sibling, & others we knew from that time. Jeez! Great that you saw the light and are moving onwards and upwards! Now if I were to ask you, your advice, on a friend who is funny, nice, who takes me out biking (best positive activity i have done for eons) BUT who goes on about women as if they are meat, who talks to me in one glance, but then is always looking at other women or scantily clad women on the tv, with another glance, who i catch checking my body parts out regularly, and unashamedly, who makes his hugs last a lil too long (yak) who is now using his biking knowledge and lending me a very decent bike as his control lever to keep going out with him (I am saving for my own fucking bike thanks, mate) and that I just have this uneasy, queasy feeling of being leched upon, and that I just want to untangle myself from him, and his unfolding character .would you tell me Im just making it a bigger deal than what it is, and to stay and just reaffirm my boundries of friendship only? They can seem like two different states of mind. Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. You do not need the extra burden and pain on your shoulders. It didnt try to forgive him, I got on with life and it just happened. As a result, choosing men with different faces, names, but always recreating patterns of familiar childhood abuse. If youre a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss. I would kill myself before I would let ONE day go by with my sons wondering if I loved them. I do look back and think what the hell was I thinking but I no longer beat myself up over it, it it as it is and my daughter now sees her independant mum back. We had a rough go of things when I was a teenager. My ex told me to stop treating him like a stranger and that we should just be nice to each other erm, you cheated on me and abused me physically and emotionally HELLOOO!?? Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. Its important that you listen to your gut. Kit-Kat, I suffer from the same problem. Thank you Courtney and Lizzie. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. What better reason can anyone need? I like cheeseburgers, but I no longer eat them because theyre not good for me. It does no logical good M3tal_Shadowhunter 1 yr. ago It's not about helping anyone. You know you need to stop. It is hard to imagine being free and clear someday. there is so much more to my current world of pain. Thanks Bubble I tried explaining to the AC, and to my old friend that or friendship would get affected with this new dynamic and I felt hurt. But manipulative and controlling and trying to use the reset button. hes let you down a few times and it doesnt sound like he wants to talk. Why do you keep pretending that all of this stuff didnt happen in the past when its happening in your present? and on the other hand says, A better person would have been able to move past that. And yet, when it comes to forgiveness, we dont think that it means anything unless we can hoodwink ourselves into liking it. privacy practices. And thenif he doesnt reply more questions. Many years ago, I was seeing a guy who lived across the street. ", "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at Ambrosia Treatment Center, told INSIDER. "Consider talking about the problem so that you can feel comfortable with them again.". Forgiveness can lead to: Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. CC, I just read your comment. I realised that I dont need him to validate my feelings and that I dont need him in my life to feel happy. Holding a grudge means hanging on to the bitterness, resentment, and anger. Practice empathy. When you say it out loud and try to stop them, they will fight back with everything they have. I am 3 weeks into no contact-he sent me a few lame text messages and it is killing me. To provide you with the most relevant and helpful information, and understand which He tried to get me to meet him and called but I just texted and escalated after some wine. I think it is fine that he knows that I do not think hes a good guy deserving of me letting bygones be bygones. I am in the same position bad men are definitely my cross to bear in life. Done! Its such desperate and insecure behavior (which I dont find sexually appealing at all) that Ive tended to step back and observe it almost scientifically. This is the first time ever -that I have felt that way. Same people. The weird thing is that I didnt myself realise how bad it had been, until he was gone. Ill let you know how it goes. I finally get it now. I wrote that post last night in a moment of particular discomfort, and I was blown away this morning when I found your thoughtful replies. Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). Though I am far from being Christian, the Biblical reference to forgiving if and when the person shows true remorse and doesnt do the same thing over is appropriate. . What To Do When Your Family Doesnt Love What Does Arguing With A Narcissist Sound Like. Good for you and your new found strength! I dont think he sounds like a good catch. Victim's perspective of forgiveness seeking behaviors after transgressions. 30 Signs That Someone Isnt Interested Or Is Half-Heartedly Interested In You: How To Avoid Being a Passing-Time Candidate. No MMs is a good one but no-one who knows people I know (for instance)is too limiting. I would love you to write a post on this Nat. B.c I have to admit I am ropable & Im DONE with trying to b the bigger person re someone with the audacity to accuse me of lying abt being physically abused by HER & covertly sexually abused by not one but TWO of her sicko boyfriends as a child! It makes me sick to think how easily I fall into thinking hes a nice guy and that I am not as nice person for thinking unkind (true) thoughts. I obviously made it sound like I was intending a relationship with the man, and I assure you I am not, we are friends, but not even sure that will work for me as the chemistry is off for me even for friends. We forgive the debt and move on (without the person and without payment). Forgiveness isnt about pretending the person didnt do anything wrong. I keep thinking that the stuff he says and does seems so crazy and offensive that I have to wonder if its all just an act and hes just doing this because hes trying to seem cool or something like that. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing.